hen scrolling through Instagram, you see this “perfect” girl: flawless skin, a well-toned body, always happy, smiling into the camera. This used to be me—or let’s say, I wanted to be this girl. Since puberty, I’ve always been insecure about my body. As a child, I didn’t care about looks at all, but as I grew older, my body began to change, and so did my self-esteem. In my former friend circle, I was the first to get curves, accompanied by cellulite and stretch marks. I remember my best friend at the time saying, “Madita, your ass can’t fit in here.” Back then, skinny was in, and I didn’t fit that beauty standard anymore. I wanted to look like the girls in the magazines. So, my vicious cycle began: even though I only had curves, which were due to my genetics and totally normal, I tried to lose weight. The more diets I tried, the worse my relationship with food and my body became. Whenever I ate, I felt a guilty conscience, and instead of losing weight, I even gained more.
In my twenties, I started going to the gym. I worked out a lot, changed my diet to a healthier one, and finally, I became skinnier and more confident. My friends even told me that my head looked like a skull and that I was getting too thin; for me, that was somehow a compliment. I thought, “This must be it; now I can be happy.” I started to be active with my account @maditadorn on Instagram because I wanted to share my passion.
Well, let’s just say that wasn’t my best decision. Do you have your phone with you right now? Let’s check your Instagram! Depending on who you follow, some of the posts you see may be from friends, while others might be from girls you follow for “inspiration,” who seem perfect in every way. My feed during those days was full of these girls. Even though I gained some confidence through working out, I started to compare myself. My skin wasn’t flawless, my body wasn’t as trained, and their lives seemed so much better than mine. I wanted to be just like them: perfect, happy, and popular.
I discovered an app that could edit my body, my skin, and even the life I was showing on Instagram to match how I wanted it to be. Suddenly, I looked like the perfect girl in my eyes. But the more I edited myself online, the more unhappy I became with myself in real life.
I knew that my social media alter ego was something I could never achieve in reality. One morning, as I edited my pictures but wasn’t satisfied with one of them, I cried my heart out. I felt so unhappy, and it was the first time I asked myself, “Does Instagram make me mentally ill?” I realized something had to change, or I would completely lose myself. So, I decided to either delete my account or stop editing my pictures.
When you look at my Instagram now, you will see which road I chose—and you know what? As soon as I stopped pretending to be perfect and started showing who I really am, I gained a significant portion of my self-esteem and confidence back. How can you ever accept yourself when you keep editing yourself online?
Instagram, in my eyes, is a very dangerous platform. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still active, so it must have its good sides, which it does. But remind yourself: Instagram is a platform where people post the best pictures of themselves, not their real selves. They’re fixed up, in the best light, at the right angle. We rarely see people as they really are. And to some extent, that’s understandable because Instagram is a visual platform, and no one likes to show their “bad side”—me included, at least not all the time and not to people online who don’t even know the real me.
But be aware that some pictures are highly edited, even though they may not seem like it. Through all this editing, social media has created an unrealistic beauty standard that no one can achieve in real life. Never forget that so-called “flaws,” like cellulite or stretch marks, are totally normal and make us human. We’re all perfect in our own way, and we don’t have to follow any beauty standards society imposes to make money. Please be your own kind of beautiful, and if you’re struggling with yourself right now, I’m sending you a big virtual hug!
Madita - @maditadorn
